Attachment Theory (without blame, labels or shame)

Attachment theory seems to be everywhere at the moment. Some people come into therapy already knowing their attachment style, or at least feeling like they should. Sometimes this awareness can be really helpful, but sometimes it can leave people asking more questions.

Attachment theory, at its heart, is not about blame. It is about understanding how human beings learn to feel safe with each other.

One of the things I see often is guilt. Parents worrying about their children’s attachment. Adults feeling critical of their own families. But attachment was never meant to be a tool for pointing fingers. It is simply a way of understanding patterns that developed for good reasons.

So what actually is attachment theory?

Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded through research by Mary Ainsworth. The basic idea is simple. As children, we learn about relationships through our early experiences of connection and care. Over time, we develop expectations about closeness, trust, safety and emotional support.

These expectations do not just disappear when we grow up. They quietly shape how we show up in friendships, romantic relationships, work environments and even how we treat ourselves.

I often think of attachment as the nervous system learning what feels safe.

And importantly, every attachment pattern began as an adaptation. It was never a flaw.

Attachment without blaming parents or ourselves

One of the biggest misunderstandings about attachment theory is the assumption that it is all about parenting. In reality, attachment is shaped by many things. Temperament, environment, life events, stress, culture, personality and individual perception all play a role.

Two siblings can grow up in the same family and experience relationships completely differently.

Parents also do not need to be perfect. Human relationships include moments of disconnection and repair. In many ways, those repairs are where growth happens.

Attachment styles are not boxes

We often hear about secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles, but real people rarely fit neatly into one category. Most of us recognise pieces of ourselves across different patterns depending on context, stress levels or who we are with.

Attachment styles are better understood as tendencies rather than fixed identities.

Secure attachment 

People who lean towards secure attachment generally feel comfortable with closeness while also maintaining independence. They can usually communicate needs openly and repair after conflict.

Outside relationships, this might look like asking for help when needed, tolerating uncertainty and having a steady sense of self even when things feel challenging.

Being with someone more securely attached often feels grounding. There is space for both connection and individuality.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is often described in ways that feel critical or dismissive, which I think misses something important. At its core, anxious attachment usually reflects a deep desire for connection and a strong awareness of relationships.

People with anxious tendencies may notice emotional shifts quickly and feel sensitive to distance or inconsistency. They might seek reassurance when things feel uncertain.

Outside romantic relationships, this can show up as thoughtfulness, emotional awareness or a tendency to reflect deeply.

Being with someone who is more anxious can mean experiencing warmth, investment and emotional depth, alongside moments where reassurance becomes particularly meaningful.

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment is sometimes misunderstood as emotional distance or lack of care, but often it is simply a different way of managing emotional intensity. For some people, space and independence are what help them regulate and feel safe.

Outside relationships, avoidant tendencies may appear as strong self reliance, problem solving or a preference for practical action over emotional discussion.

Being with someone who is more avoidant can feel calm and steady, although emotional conversations may unfold more slowly and require patience and trust.

Disorganised attachment

Disorganised attachment is actually less common than the other styles and while it is often linked in research to environments where a child experienced fear, unpredictability or sometimes trauma, it does not automatically mean abuse occurred. As always with attachment, context matters and people’s stories are complex.

Some people experience both a strong desire for closeness and a fear of vulnerability at the same time. This can create a push pull dynamic, where connection feels both deeply wanted and slightly overwhelming.

This pattern often reflects a nervous system trying to make sense of complex or unpredictable relational experiences.

What happens when different attachment patterns meet?

Attachment becomes most visible not in isolation, but in interaction. Relationships are shaped by two nervous systems learning how to feel safe together. One of the most common dynamics is when anxious and avoidant patterns meet. When distress arises, one person may instinctively move towards connection while the other moves towards space. Neither response is wrong, but together they can unintentionally intensify each other.

The person seeking reassurance may experience withdrawal as rejection, while the person needing space may feel pressured when pursued. Over time, both can feel deeply misunderstood despite caring about the relationship. I often think of this less as incompatibility and more as two different languages of safety trying to understand each other.

Yet this dynamic is not only challenging, it also holds real potential for growth. Anxious partners often bring emotional openness and a willingness to talk about what matters, helping to deepen connection. Avoidant partners often bring steadiness, independence and an ability to regulate when emotions feel intense, helping to create stability. When both begin to understand that these responses are protective rather than personal, something shifts. The anxious partner can start trusting that space does not always mean rejection, and the avoidant partner can learn that closeness does not automatically mean overwhelm. Over time, each person gently expands their comfort zone, learning from the strengths the other naturally brings.

Can attachment change?

Yes. And gently.

Attachment patterns are not fixed for life. New experiences, supportive relationships and therapy can all create shifts over time. Awareness alone can begin to create small moments of choice where once there were automatic reactions.

Change rarely happens through forcing ourselves to be different. It tends to happen through feeling safe enough to try something new.

A final thought

If there is one thing I hope people take from attachment theory, it is kindness. Towards ourselves, towards our partners, and towards the people who came before us.

Attachment is not a label you need to carry. It is simply a way of understanding how you learned to feel safe in relationships.

And understanding is always the beginning of change.

With warmth,

Sian 🙏🏼

Inner Space Counselling